The Four Agreements

Someone recently recommended The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The “agreements” offer a powerful code of conduct for living a fulfilling life. They come from ancient Toltec wisdom. The Toltecs were a Mesoamerican culture ruling an area in what is now Tula, in the Mexican state of Hidalgo. Their civilization is believed to have reached prominence around 1,000 CE and is considered an intellectual and cultural predecessor to the better-known Aztecs.

Since the early 20th century, the historical significance of the Toltecs has been called into question. Some scholars now interpret them as a mythical construct of the Aztecs and other regional cultures. Toltec narratives may have served as legends to the Aztecs, much like myths shape culture today, playing a role in shaping cultural identity.

Whether the Toltecs were a highly sophisticated society or a legendary construct exaggerated by the Aztecs to enhance their cultural identity, The Four Agreements offers profound wisdom from which we can all learn.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

The first agreement teaches us to use the power of words wisely. Words shape reality and influence the actions of those around us.

The word “impeccable” comes from the Latin root pecatus, meaning sin—so, “without sin.” Being impeccable with your word means speaking truthfully and with intention, without negativity or gossip.

Our “word” is our inner dialogue, which we often use to self-criticize and judge. Our internal words should align with love and integrity.

Words have driven humanity’s greatest achievements, like JFK’s “We choose to go to the Moon” speech, and have also fueled the most horrific atrocities, such as the Holocaust.

Words have the power to create or destroy, so choose them wisely.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

The second agreement is about recognizing that people’s actions and words reflect their inner reality, beliefs, and emotions, not of you. When we take things personally, we assume that others’ actions are caused by us. This applies to both criticism and praise.

This agreement aligns with lessons from Vipassana meditation, which teaches that experiences simply appear in consciousness and that we are separate from our thoughts and emotions. Not taking others’ opinions personally is like realizing we are separate from our thoughts and feelings.

Not taking things personally removes unnecessary suffering and rumination. Detaching oneself from others’ opinions helps maintain emotional stability.

The next time someone criticizes or praises you, remember it’s more about them than you.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Making assumptions without knowing the full truth often leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflict. It’s best to seek clarity about situations and people’s intentions before forming judgments. I see the third agreement as a natural extension of the first.

One should always ask questions and seek understanding instead of making assumptions. For example, if one is unsure of someone’s expectations or feelings, it’s better to ask them directly rather than assume one knows.

This agreement fosters understanding and compassion, improving relationships. This principle has been helpful in my personal and professional life.

Always Do Your Best

The final agreement says you should always do your best, given your circumstances. When I read this, I couldn’t help but think of the Paralympic badminton games I watched in Paris last month.

Committing to doing your best creates the conditions for feeling proud and content with your achievements. This encourages consistent effort without excessive pressure or the need to meet unrealistic standards, helping you avoid self-judgment, guilt, and regret.

Living by the principle of always doing your best can also eliminate feelings of inferiority when comparing yourself to others.

In the Netflix series The Gentlemen, Geoff, the stoic and loyal gamekeeper of Halstead Manor, played by Vinnie Jones, shares this nugget of wisdom:

It’s a lucky man who is happy with his place in life.

That line really stuck with me and reflects how I’ve come to think about myself. Knowing that I did my best in each moment brings me lasting satisfaction and contentment whether I'm healthy, tired, stressed, or calm.